November 20, 2016

2016/36 - Too Mean

Salam & hai!
hoping everyone in the best of health & imaan in sha Allah ❤

First, hari tu i ada upload pasal this thing dekat twitter but then i delete everything coz i think macam budak budak sangat nak up tweet tweet macam tu hahahahahahaha and so i decide, nak update my blog jelah for my next entri. So walaupun macam cepat sangat untuk update next entri, but dont care! nak update jugakkkkkk its my blog after all *flip hair*

So, i used to be very attached to people dulu becoz i think i need someone to depend on, who i think i can trust and share all my problems (+secrets including my CGPA blerghhhhhhhhh). When i found that particular person, i really attached myself and depend on her tooooo much that when she can't meet my expectation, i became easily hurt & dissapointed. Kadang, she was not intentiolly hurt me pun but becoz i have too much expectation on her, so i hurt myself becoz of that. Until one day, everything between us went wrong that seeking forgiveness doesn't feel good and forgiving doesn't feel good either. Attachment. Seriously, is a powerful thing for any human.

But, after my-biggest-so-called-acah-acah-friendship-breakup 2 years ago (ke 3 years, tak ingat dah luls) i start to move on la sekarang. No more attachment i told myself, and i'm beyond tired at this point. come on la i'm too old for any friendship breakup dah puihh. Due to it, i was so paranoid that i would constantly think that others will do the same to me. i dont easily trust people and i dont share anything personal just with anyone. i start to focus so much of protecting others punya feeling, i focused on making others happy that i never learned how to deal with my emotions dah. i dah tak tau how to match how i behaved on outside with how i was feeling on the inside. i'm depending on myself. And i think, karma hits me back real hard sekarang! hahahaha. Why? i've gotten so used to take care of others feeling that  when i can't meet their expectation, they became dissapointed with me. Tarik muka. Cerita kat orang lain. Orang lain trust you and start to bash me what theeee. You  push me to my limits, and when i finally explode and fight back, suddenly i am the mean one. Haih. People and Life. When they see good, they expect good all the time kan (including me).

I dont want to live up to anyone's expectations. I dont want people expecting me on something. It affected a lot of things in my life if others keep expecting me to be good all the time. They can't set too high expectation on me. I want to be truly enjoy and happy with my life. i want my heart to smile. i want to believe myself. Yes, I've done wrong in the past. i know. but they are all in the past. How do you expect me to move on and be a better version of myself if you keep reminding me of my past? You have no idea what i've gone through, my current emotional state and how hard i try. Making mistakes kan is what makes us human. We should give people peluang untuk berubah, repent and set things right.

It is hard not to be emotional these days, yang kena kesannya, orang sekeliling. Kesian. They care about me and they want to help me. They prefer to share the load with me rather than to see me carrying it alone. But, up to now, i still think i have to face everything alone coz its my problems after all and i dont want to burden the other (+ i have trust issue). I believe, one day, i'll break that ego wall and share everything with them.

Day by day, little by little, progress slowly, closer to Allah.Be positive at all times. That's the way i lead my life. Have strength mah, you will get through this in sha Allah!

Lots of Love,

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