October 14, 2018

2018/13 - Hi! Again.

Salam & hai!
hoping everyone in the best of health and imaan in sha Allah ❤

Looking back, i realize how sneaky shaiton really is at tricking me to believe i'm doing such a good job as a person by cutting off people away from me. There was this one post, i cakap, i hope i won't mention this one particular person in my blog anymore and that was like a year ago kot hahahaha but here i am, writing again about that one particular person. i met her again after 4 freaking years, dekat one of our friend punya wedding lepas dah habis belajar padahal satu tempat belajar ni. i blocked her on instagram for 3 years (the one and only person yg i block). i changed my phone number because of her. She deactivated her account twitter and the only social media kitorang follow each other adalah facebook tu pun i dah off notification from hers. Masa tu stress sangat, Attachment kan. When we have build a strong attachment to someone, it is very difficult to let the attachment go.

i thought i won't met her again sebab time i wrote previous post pasal dia, dah nak habis belajar plus she did her internship dekat overseas. So i assume, i won't met her ever again. No matter how hard i try to predict how the future would be like, i still have no idea what will happen kan. That knowledge is Allah's domain, not mine. i kept on making du'as at least one day we will cross path again and masa tu dua-dua dah ok. Well, i request and He decides the outcome. Whatever the outcome, that would be what's best for me. Alhamdulillah, He listens to every du'a and gives us not what we want, but what is best for us and after 4 years pufff macam magic.

If anyone should be thankful, it is me. i should be thankful sbb everything is over now. No more tarik-tarik muka dengan orang. No more sakit hati tengok progress masing-masing. No more blocking each other dekat social media (i dah add dia balik dekat instagram and she follow me on twitter baru2 ni hahahahaahahaha). When people asked me why i jadi macam ni, it's difficult for me to tell them the reason. Maybe, just maybe la, i put my trust on her sooooo much as my bestfriend that i felt betray when she left me macam tu jeeeeeeee. 

Simply cut it short, now i'm having a good life with good people around me. i found my bestfriends whom i can trust. Well, the rule is super simple. You make me your priority, surely i will make you my priority too kan. As long i am happy and i don't lose myself again, i'm all good hehe. Those past few years antara yang paling susah for me to get hold to myself. Tak taula tp bila fikir balik sekarang rasa macam entah apa2 la perangai dulu siap takboleh move on lagi padahal benda kecik je pun. But seriously, i sejenis yang appreciate friendship tau. I appreciate my friends especially yang selalu ada if tengah susah. You seriously have no idea how hard i was trying to act macam biasa but at the moment i saw this one particular person, the effort gone macam tu je (dulu la, sekarang no more! hahaha)

It feels good now, knowing that we both are in a good term (by adding each other dekat social media back hahaha). Not like before, but still alhamdulillah. I'm so happy to see her having a good life even without me. i thank Allah swt for letting me pinjam dia sekejap.

"Tear your heart out of your chest, and hand it to God. There is no other healing. I swear, there is no other healing" 

i didn't miss us. My heart did :)

Lots of Love,

September 21, 2018

2018/12 - Perfect Life

Salam & hai!
hoping everyone in the best of health in sha Allah❤

Last 2 weeks, one of my bestie dah selamat enter another phase of her life. She finally engaged to  her soulmate-to-be hehe. Alhamdulillah, i'm soooooo happy for her. The day she wassap me nak inform, i was soooooo shocked sebab tiba-tiba kan but nawwwww i'm so happy for my girl ❤😭 I've been attending and got invited to my friends punya wedding banyak kali dah ni, and ofcozzzz diri ini tak terlepas di tanya bila lagi. Oh well, not to mention the pengantins yg doakan i cepat2 dpt jodoh ni i appreciate sangat. Tp tu lah dia, i hanya mampu amin kan jeeee lah ceritanya.

For the past 3 month, i ada jaga my baby nephew, Jaan. Bila dah jaga baby ni, i think i'm not ready lagi untuk ada apa2 komitmen buat masa sekarang either as girlfriend orang ke, isteri orang ke or mak orang ke kan. To raise your kids bukan senang, nak2 zaman sekarang ni. Plus if you read dekat social media sekarang, macam2 benda jadi especially yang melibatkan marriage. Tu belum lagi kes cerai, pukul, aniaya isteri/girlfriend/anak and banyak lagi yang melibatkan the ladies ni. Freaking scary man kalau difikir fikirkan. i can't even imagine what to do if i'm in that situation. Yes, you're in love so you two get married but you never know if your husband turns out to be abusive ke or suddenly ada perempuan lain ke or decide to leave you after few years kahwin.

We can't deny the harsh truth. We can see it happening all the time sekarang ni. That's why i still stick to my opinion, women should stand on her own feet. Secure our own place in this world. Get our own job and assets. If you're still single (ehem like me) you can start from now simpan your money, get your own house and car and other things for your future before one day (if Allah izinkan) you get married and your husband suruh stop kerja and focus dekat your little family, at least, by that time, you dah ada your own savings and preparation if anything happen in the future like your husband dies/leaves and left you with no income, no job and 5 kids to feed. Bukan nak doa yang tak baik eh, just in case.

Well, there's nothing wrong pun about wishing for a partner and yearning to start a family. Normal la kan, especially when you dah habis belajar and nak start masuk working life pulak lepas tu acik2 kat rumah pun sibukk tanya hahahaha tp, don't la let marriage thing become the only focus in our life. Banyak lagi benda nak focus. Paling penting jangan lupa, we are slaves of Allah swt first, above all other roles in life hehe.

To be honest, i really tak kisah dah pasal benda2 mcm ni. There's this one time, dulu la lama dah, as we want to get closer to Him, we decide to distance ourselves and sama2 janji nak menunggu sampai mereput takde apa pun jadi and dah selamat jadi suami orang pun that one hahaha. Sejak tu i never wait dah lol membazir masa jeee jaga suami orang teheeee tp kadang tu i'm scared i'll end up alone hahaha i really need to smacked some sense to myself. if ada jodoh ada lah. i'm not afraid if that particular person meets another one dah kalau itu yg terbaik why should i takut kan.

For me to dedicate myself, my precious time, emotions and physical being with someone nanti, i rasa there's nothing wrong with waiting for the man of my dream. The one that not only remind me the purpose of this life, but also help me act upon it and lead our family all the way to Jannah. if ada rezeki nak kahwin nanti,  i pray for a spiritually meaningful and productive marriage, plus a husband with good character and humor and most importantly, who fears Allah swt ❤ Kalau takde rezeki nak kahwin, well, i move on jelah with my life, adopting baby girl and live happily with her hahaha ohh and have faith, ada rezeki tempat lain. Otherwise kalau paksa2, you'll find yourself sinning and falling for the wrong one.

For now, i'm preparing myself for this important chapter in life. may Allah swt guide me and the rest of us to whoever/whatever is best for us in this life and hereafter nanti. Wow, since when life gets so reaaaalllllll i talked about marriage nowwwwwwwwwww. 23 maturing me enough huh hahahahaha.

Paling penting sekarang i nak kerja hehe.
tolong doakan Syaimaa dapat kerja yang terbaik untuk dia lepas convo ni in sha Allah amin.
 thankyou for the du'a! hehe❤

this post might be cringe untuk certain people,
but whatever.


Lots of love,

September 8, 2018

2018/11 - Alhamdulillah, GRAD ON TIME :)

Salam & hai!
hoping everyone in the best of health and iman❤

There's this one particular person whom i thanked a lot during my degree life. Dees. She reached her hand to me when i was at my lowest point and up till now pun i can still count on her. That's one of the reason why i put her on my emergency contact list hahahahahaha. This one, i met her almost 16 years ago. We went to the same primary school and met again masa foundation, jadi kawan balik masa degree lol. i owed her a lot. Thankyou, for being you.

Today (the day i wrote this post), i'm officially free from my Uni's life. Pelik, sebab biasanya lepas dapat result, i desperately need motivation hahahaha muhasabah diri beriya berjanji next sem target baik lagi. Tapi hari ni takde apa nak direnungkan dah. Everything is over!!!! Alhamdulillah, super proud of myself at this moment. Before this day arrived, berapa kali entah rasa nak tukar course. Alhamdulillah, i met people who encourage me with their words, advices and du'as, so i decided to stay. Certainly, there were  bad days, as well as good days too, but most of the time i am excited to meet my friends dekat kolej/kelas (as much as they do to see me lol) and learnt new things dalam kelas.

Time sure flies. Sekejap je 5 years gone mcm tu je. i remember masa first time masuk asasi UPM, i was super blurrrrr and hari2 doa cepat habis belajar. Time tu tengok senior2 rasa tak sabar nak masuk degree. Paling i ingat, masa puasa. As foundation punya jadual tak sama dengan degree, masa puasa tu degree cuti so nak di jadikan cerita, cafe pun tutup. i yg blur time tu takde banyak kawan berbuka lah dengan maggi kat bilik sensorang sampai menitik air mata sedih sangat tu hahahahaha. And the rest is history. kadang, i miss my foundation's life. i miss my foundation's friends, lecturers and i miss you too. tp, if tanya, i taknak patah balik masa. no wayyyy.

Bila masuk degree, when i thought everything was okay and i pasti boleh survive, papppp, He tests me. My first semester still i boleh survive. Masuk 2nd semester pun i barely survive. Masuk 2nd year masha Allah,  the toughest year among all 4 years ni. Result memang kelaut and my kelaut means memang KELAUTTTT (even the closest person to me pun tak tau). Masa tu tengah cuti semester, so i emosi teruk and nekad if i tak perform next semester, i nak tukar kos. Bila naik semester 4, i shut off my emotion, try not to match how i was feeling inside dengan how i behaved. i struggle gila2 nak perform. Join study group, stay up, wake up semua i buat and Alhamdulillah, ada improvement up till final year alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah.

Now, i nak grad dah. This upcoming October, basically on my 23rd birthday hehehe. My dream nak grad on my birthday tercapai gais. Maybe my session not exactly on my birthday la tapi okla still dekat2 dalam range. Alhamdulillah. On the same date, Hospital Pengajar UPM pun akan officially siap. i saw on the board tarikh siap 27th October 2018, and that was 3 years ago kot. Now dah siap!!!! hehehehe. Time sure flies. Graduation is super coooool but not when you start to sedar, it's probably the last time i would be meeting my happy pills (but ofcoz not apply to Dees la sebab rumah dekat lol)

Okla. Please make du'a for me and my friends. We all have our own journey now. Ada yang dah start kerja, ada yang nak start sambung master dan ada yang masih mencari kerja. Apa pun, syukur Alhamdulillah for everything. Allah knows best kan in sha Allah yang baik2 untuk semua :)


i miss everyone now.
May Allah swt protect and grant them happiness in this world and hereafter in sha Allah❤

Lots of Love

September 7, 2018

2018/10 - Make up on?!

Salam & hai.
hoping everyone in the best of health and imaan ❤

For the first time in 23 years, I wore make up and contact lens masa dinner final year Biomedic on April hari tu. I felt a little bit weird. Imagine, i have never worn make-up in my life, even when my friend nak try kat my face pun mcm2 alasan i bagi, then suddenly decide nak pakai for the sake of dinner hahahahaha seriously. If you know me well, you tau i jenis macam mana. Bangun pagi, instead of spending 20-30 minutes putting make-up on, i pakai bedak and lipbalm sikit supaya tak nampak pucat and offfff to class. Sebab tu the day i applied make-up, even Kelly tak recognize me hahahaha. The main reason why i tak into makeup is becoz of my skin yg super sensitiveeee. Second, sebab i rasa super membazir plus leceh coz the time and effort to put it on, top it up an take it off day after dayy ohh i kennotttt and third, i tak confident nak pakai. I saw all these people wearing make-up and i know, i didn't want to do that.

These days, make up dah jadi super norm for many girls and women. Dah tak pelik. It's somehow accepted la sbb dia mcm effort tau untuk jadi confident, depends on individuals. Ok, i'm not anti make-up ke apa ehh i suka je tengok kawan2 buat make up class dekat bilik (ohh i miss my happy pills). But i think, going without make up saves time and obviously money tooo plus as a student kan, i rasa wearing make-up everyday wasn't necessary. So, make-up is definitely not a part of me.

Once i started wearing it, i noticed my skin started breakout. My skin mmg super sensitiveee i sampai sekarang pening nak pilih skincare. For me, the main benefit of going without make-up is that my skin is free and i can be ready to leave under 10 minutes supp sapp supp sapp siap! hehe. Tp tu lah, muka tak sememeh sikitla bila keluar tak pakai make-up ni. But personally, it's never been an issue for me and i am very confident with the way i look coz i have nothing to hide behind. If there is an acne spot, there is a spot. If ada dark circles, then there are dark circles. If ada pimples, there are pimples. Cuma, lipbalm and perfume i memang takboleh tinggal!!! 

So that was me, before i apply make-up. Now that i dah try, seronok jugak sebenarnya hehe (but i still rasa leceh) and i've understand and become more aware with the pressure to achieve society's punya standard of beauty. Again, i'm not anti make-up tau. I love make-up and I think, i will wear it when i get dressed up to go on dinner or other important events in life. I have never felt so pressured to wear a full face of make-up. up till now and hopefully until forever la. 

Ok tu je. That's me, with a full face make-up dengan Cik Iti plus a good lighting effect hehe and sumpah susah nak mampus pakai contact lens i keraiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii 😭😭

Malam tu i jadi artis jap. If you guys friend with me dekat FB or insta, you can obviously see people still kacau i sbb make up but nawwwww whateverrrrrr.

My convocation is coming soon. My friend suruh onzz makeup. Should i? hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahha kbai.

Lots of Love,

June 30, 2018

2018/9 - The End.

Salam & hai!
hoping everyone in the best of health and imaan in sha Allah ❤

Alhamdulillah, last friday dah selamat print out thesis and siap hardbound apa semua. Hari isnin hari tu dah settle submit hardbound dekat Dr zul. Tapi tak tau nak rasa apa hahaha. Rasa kosong. i dah start rindu suasana study. suasana UPM, kawan-kawan dan semua la yang berkaitan study. Baru seminggu dekat rumah. Macam mana nak hadap kenyataan yang dah habis study ni masha Allah. Time sure flies.

So last friday, i gerak balik UPM sebab nak setelkan thesis and alhamdulillah on tuesday i dah balik melaka balik. Nak dekat seminggu jugak la duduk sana. Stay mana tu rahsiaaaaaa. hahahaha. it was fun sebab everything mcm tak rancang sangat and end up alhamdulillah survive la jugak untuk 5 hari tu. So sepanjang 5 haritu, beraya sakan la kami-kami ni dekat sana. Pergi rumah lecturer, pergi rumah kawan-kawan. Seronok konvoi banyak banyak kereta. So hari jumaat sampai tu terus pergi setelkan hardbound and petang tu jugak dapat. Lepas tu terus pergi makan IOI then balik.

The next day supposedly kitorang pergi beraya tapi semua rumah closee so terpaksala postpone ke ahad. Memang mereputla i dengan tiqah dekat kolej tak tau nak buat apa. Marathon drama movie habis dah dalam pukul 3 lebih jugak baru pergi breakfast lol lunch sebenarnya. hahahaha. Lepas tu gedebak gedebuk nak pergi mines konon nak main arcade sekali penuh nauzubillah takde parking, give up balik kolej hahahaha. Malam baru keluar dinner balik lepas tu pulang ke kolej dan mereput sampai hari esok.

And on Sundayyyyyy!!! baru la beraya sakan. First rumah kitorang terjah was Mira's. Makan sedap, dapat duit raya lagi hiks mekasih pakcik Azmi. Lepas tu shoot terus ke rumah Dr Huzwah. sini makan lagi la fuhhh. Then proceed rumah ayu, peah and last sekali rumah kelly. It was fun, it was great. Makanan semua sedap2. Terima kasih tuan-tuan rumah menjemput dan melayan kami!! Hari isnin busy sikit nak setelkan signature supervisor and stuff then kitorang sempat pergi photoshoot dengan thesis dekat ladang yg famous tu heww. Lepas tu sambung raya lagi rumah Aisyah. then pergi setelkan JPA. Supposedly balik hari isnin tu tapi disebabkan driver2 kepenatan seharian berjalan, so decide balik hari selasa. Malam apa lagi, shoot terus pergi raya rumah Dr Seri hehe, PA saya tu uolss.

Hari selasa pagi baru bertolak balik ke Melaka,. Singgah beraya rumah Dees then terus hantar tiqah balik Tangkak sempatla beraya rumah makcik dia. Then off to Melaka balik rumah rehat pulak hahaha. Ini mungkin my last time jumpa my friends before jumpa lagi sekali for the last time masa graduation day nanti. Sedih, takyah cakapla. Hati ni berat sangat sangat nak tinggalkan. But what to do. life mesti diteruskan. 4 tahun (ada yang 5 tahun) mengadap muka sama. Bergaduh sama. Makan sesama. Gosip sesama. tidur sesama. Study sama. naik lab sama. susah senang fyp sesama. rasa nak nangis ingat balik. rindu dah cemana ni hahahahahahahaha.

Post ni takde apa sangat. Saja tulis. nanti boleh ingat balik. kenangan. hehe :)

Doakan Syaimaa dapat cari kerja pulak lepas ni.
in sha Allah.

Rabbi yassir wala tu'assir.

Officially signed off from UPM.
officially grad belum lagi, notis tak keluar lagi hehe

Lots of love,